Humor

Hollywood Hubbub

Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in Malibu. I woke up, hydraulic pistons inside my head doing a number on my skull– like Keith Moon on an angry expresso bender. My eyes were crusted. Two vultures in a tree looked down on me hungrily. Seeing me move, they slowly flap their wings and take flight, disgusted.

It’s a couple days after the Academy Awards after-parties, and this intrepid reporter will do his best to hunt and peck out the stories I have seen. The ones I remember, at least.

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Humor

Red Carpet Scoopage

Hollywood was stunned, shocked and bedazzled with the many surprises that strolled along the red carpet prior to the 2009 Academy Awards Ceremonies.

Penelope Cruz couldn’t afford a new dress so she wore some old number that had the faint scent of mothballs and pipe tobacco. She won an Oscar for her acting in Vicky Cristina Barcelona and to goose her future salary so she can afford a new garment some day soon.

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Reviews

Oscar Pix

Before the stars begin traipsing down the red carpet, The Lint Screen proudly predicts who will clutch statues of golden glory and who grasp fistfuls of disappointment and heartache.

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Humor

13 Things You Didn’t Know About Lincoln

Were it not for Abraham Lincoln, our sweet 16 president, these United States would not be quite so united. The other day was Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and were he alive today, he would be the oldest man ever–– paying some of the highest health insurance premiums ever.

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Humor

Bankers Outraged Over Low Pay

Financial services executives are livid over legislation that would impose pay limits of a mere $500,000 annually for companies accepting federal bailout money.

Fed $500,000 Proposal Would Tighten The Alligator Belt…
Fed $500,000 Proposal Would Tighten The Alligator Belt…

“This idea is an absolute outrage,” fumed Thurston Winslowe III, a New York banking executive. “Not to overstate the case, but this is definitely the most egregious, cruel and inhumane assault ever against any sector of humanity…”

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Humor

Denny’s Hits Grand Slam Traffic Builder

During the Super Bowl, a rather important football game played on Sunday, the restaurant chain Denny’s aired a commercial inviting people to enjoy a free Grand Slam breakfast on Tuesday. And yesterday, Denny’s made good on its promise attracting over two million people to its 1,500 locations to shovel the 770 calorie Grand Slam breakfast into their pancake holes.

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