Osama bin Laden’s Diary Discovered

Diary proves bin Laden contemplated a surprising career change in later years.

The Lint Screen has received a copy of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary captured in the raid by Navy SEALs on his compound May 2, 2011. The unannounced visit resulted in bin Laden’s nagging painful death.

The details of the diary are surprising. The diary, measuring 4″ x 6″ has a shiny illustrated cover depicting unicorns and large doe-eyed children holding bunches of colorful balloons. bin Laden wrote in block letters at the bottom of the cover “KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU!

Some nuggets contained within include the following:
– “I feel fat. I look at my blubber butt in the mirror and just want to cry. I’m such a pig and I hate swine. I get so bummed, I eat another pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I feel better. Chunky Monkey make Osammy happy!”

– “Love those reruns of Andy of Mayberry. Otis the drunk cracks me up. Aunt Bea is kind of hot, too. And that Barney, he is something else! He’s smarter than Goober but not as sweet as Gomer. How I’d love to have terrorized that small town!”

– “Saw a spot for that Gillette Mach 3 razor. I may just chop this Brillo pad off my face. No, no I won’t. I have a weak chin and horrible acne scars. I am shamed, I am shamed.”

– “How I hate QVC. This place is filled with useless crap I’ve bought. How many chip and dip sets does one man need anyway?!”

– “I wish I were more like Horatio on “CSI: Miami”– I should get some shades. Maybe they have them for sale on QVC.”

– “Come on Weather Channel. Give me my ‘Local on The 8’s!’ Oh, here we are. Going to be hot as hell, again…”

More details will be released at a later date.