(The following is Patrick Scullin’s commencement address given to the recent graduates of Ohio State University. Enjoy!) Hello. It is an honor being here today. As I stand up here looking out on this enormous crowd of fresh faces, I’m curious how many are assembled here. There are so many people! To call you a …
“When a man marries a woman,” Rep. Russell told The Lint Screen. “that is a sacred trust that can never be broken because it’s two people vowing to love one another until death do them part. Which means a woman must do her man’s will when he likes, no matter what, no questions asked.
“I don’t have the most athletic body,” said the 34-year-old actuary from Pine Bluff, Arkansas. “But the chinos I bought at Sears made my butt look huge! I mean, like the backside of a rhino-big.”
The Russians continued guessing as the president chided them. “You’re cold as a Ukranian winter, fellas. Keep guessing!” The game continued for twenty minutes.
“The Attorney General and President have been diligent in finding someone who’ll be independent and enforce the laws of the land…”
“Listen, pinhead,” he told this reporter. “I’m sick and tired of all these skirts saying I made sexual advances on them. Not true. Complete fabrication.”
O’Reilly’s face turned red as he began stabbing the air with his index finger and continued.